Caffeine Induced Insanity
by Shelbey
Summary: What makes Temari so spry in the morning? Ever wonder how Gaara manages to stay awake for so long? All secrets are revealed! Warning: extreme OOCness [One shot] [Post MFTH. Not a sequel, only a hyperactive reference.] [R&R please]


**Title**: Caffeine Induced Insanity

**Author**: Hikaru Hitachiin

**Fandom**: Naruto

**Rating**: "K" for caffeine madness and amazing OOCness

**Genre**: Humor

**Disclaimer**: I don't own any part of the Naruto, including characters, cities, towns, scenarios, titles, or anything else about it that you can think of. I just want to express my creative intent with this fic.

**A/N**: I have no idea what possessed me to write this. I was telling my friend Jacky (12CBlood) about how Gaara can't fall asleep and I don't know how he does it, and my bus driver, Miss Diana, says, "He's probably hyped up on coffee!" So, here we are. All thanks go to my beloved bus driver!

**Summary**: What makes Temari so spry in the morning? Ever wonder how Gaara manages to stay awake for so long? All secrets are revealed! **Warning**: extreme OOCness One shot Post MFTH. Not a sequel, only a hyperactive reference. R&R please

Temari stood at the opened cabinet, contemplating. She had gone out **just** yesterday to get more. But how could **all** thirty cans be **gone**? It wasn't feasible! She rubbed at her eyes and scratched her head, tousling her already sleep-mussed flaxen hair. Who on earth would have the nerve to drink her own private stash? Anyone else would simply avoid even looking at the cabinet altogether, let alone steal from it! They would be much too frightened of the kunoichi to dare attempt such a risky feat. But here she stood, staring at an empty cupboard with **n-o-t-h-i-n-g **to wake her up this morning. Hoo boy… was she gonna be grouchy.

Kankurou slumped out of his room, still slightly tired from the long day's training yesterday. Dodging both Temari's wind attacks and Gaara's sand is **not** as easy as it sounds. He looked up and paled. All of Temari's coffee… was gone. He pressed up against the wall, thankful that his sister hadn't noticed him yet. Uh-oh. This hasn't happened in a long time, since she was sixteen, and not a single person was spared from her sharp tongue or angry assaults. The Suna Hospital had been busy that day.

Well, except for Gaara of course. He was the Kazekage and there wasn't much she could do to him. Or cared to do to him.

But now, it's happening all over again. Temari turned to look at Kankurou, an almost demonic inferno burning in her eyes. "You stole my coffee didn't you?" she asked in a deadly whisper.

He took a step back and, crossing his forefingers before him cried, "Stay away from me you evil, coffee-bereft demon from Hell!" He crashed out the front door of the apartment knocking over several people on his way past. They called angrily after him and he replied, "Temari hasn't had her coffee!" Their irritated expressions vanished and were replaced with ones of fear. Then the screaming started. Oh pamplemousse.

She burst out of the house after her brother, fully dressed, bags under her eyes and her hair pulled back into one sloppy pony tail rather than four neat ones. "**KANKUROU**!" she roared. A duo of younger boys stared at her in fear and she glared at them. "What the heck're you looking at you amateur, chibi ninja wannabes?" They began to cry as she continued on, her eyes flashing. "How would you like if I tear you limb from limb and give the remains of your bloody, mutilated corpse to Shukaku, huh!" Kankurou vanished and Temari stomped her foot angrily. _I'm going to kill him if it's the last thing I do!_

Unfortunately for Baki-sensei, today was Temari's day for special training. Poor man. "What d'ya mean I'm holding my fan wrong?" she snarled. Baki took a step back, watching the blonde apprehensively. "How would you know old man?"

"Temari," he started, but she put her fan away furiously. "I don't—"

She replied, cutting him off, "Ah, shut up. You don't know crap!" She stomped off in a sulk and Kankurou appeared from behind a building, shuddering, as she vanished from view. Baki raised his only visible eyebrow at the middle sibling in questioning.

"She hasn't had her coffee today… And personally, I think you got lucky. On days like this, she's scarier than Gaara has ever been."

Back in town, shops were closing and people were ushering their children back into their homes. Word had gotten out, and no one wanted to take any chances. A man in the street sobbed, "Don't let her get me! I still have nightmares and scars to remind me of what happened last time!" One unfortunate girls' clothing salesman didn't close his stand in time, and Temari decided to go on a sudden shopping spree.

"You're supposed to be the best clothier in town!" she rampaged, throwing another unloved piece of clothing into a pile almost as tall as she was. "But you **don't** have **anything **in my size! What **gives**!" The man kept silent, wishing to keep his life and his dignity. She turned to him and picked him up by the front of his shirt, shaking him around. "Answer me you cretin!" He burst into tears and she dropped him, disgusted.

She left the store and stomped onto the sidewalk, only to get her foot trod on by an ill-fated young girl hurrying past. Furiously, Temari pulled out her fan and slammed it down on the girl's calling in her face, "How do you like it you big ape! Try apologizing next time, eh?" She nodded and shrunk against the closed shop door as she went by. The rest of the town was now closed up by half past one, and Temari still hasn't vented all her annoyance and grumpiness yet. But, luckily for her, but not for the disrespectful young man, she would get it all out soon enough.

Temari was striding quickly down the side-walk, and a brawny chuunin accidentally bumped into her shoulder. "Watch where you're going stupid," he grumbled. She froze dead in her tracks and turned to face him with a bloodthirsty expression on her face.

"Excuse me? You wanna repeat that dead man?" The smug shinobi turned around, not even faltered by whom he was dealing with or what the circumstances were. He crossed his arms and smiled haughtily at her.

He spoke each word carefully, emphasizing each one dramatically, "Watch. Where. You're. Going. Stupid." That was the straw that broke the camels back unfortunately, and Temari lashed around socking his cheek with her enclosed fist, causing blood and spittle to emerge from his mouth. A couple of minutes later she left he site, abandoning a blood-spattered, maimed bit of her handiwork behind on the sidewalk.

She returned home around dusk, and slumped into her favorite easy chair. All in all, today hadn't gone all too bad. Maybe she really didn't need coffee to wake her up in the morning. It was not until she was about to fall asleep in the black lounger did she notice the familiar small of French vanilla coffee pervading the air in her house. _What the…?_ She pulled herself from the leather seat and sniffed the air experimentally. _Yup, that's definitely my coffee. And now whoever stole it has the nerve to brew it in my own house!_ Cracking her knuckles, and, with her cantankerousness showing no bounds, she ruptured the kitchen door as she thundered in, homicidal thoughts on her mind. But a strange sight met her eyes, and her angry thoughts were replaced with astonished ones.

"Gaara?" Temari asked, taking a step forward. His entire body was twitching uncontrollably, and littered at his feet were exactly thirty empty cans of her favorite _Folgers_ French vanilla. He held a large ceramic mug in his hand and the coffee maker sitting in front of him seemed to be on its last leg. "What're doing… with **my** coffee?"

He looked up at her, as he just realized she was there and spieled, "Oh Temari there you are! I was just about to go out and look for you! I wanted to tell you that this type of coffee is a lot better than the _Maxwell_ kind that I drink. How did you come across this? Is it expensive? Where can I buy some for myself? I mean I couldn't stop drinking the stuff. So I used up the whole supply we had, but I'm planning on going out a buying a ton more tomorrow. I'll never have to worry about sleep again! It's gonna be so great! Do you think that if Masao was here she'd like it? I mean she's a big vanilla fan and all so maybe French vanilla isn't so different!" (Meanwhile, as Masao sits at her kitchen table, sipping orange flavored iced tea, and giving Ryuki a dirty look as she begs her to try coffee, she sneezes unexpectedly.) "You obviously like it since I see you drinking it everyday, but I didn't know if I would so I decided, Why not? and presto! I love the stuff!"

She sat down next to him and filled up her own mug with the coffee. Suppressing a laugh, and she held up her cup and clanged it on his. "To coffee!"

"To coffee!" They downed the cups in unison.

------------------

The next day, Gaara, with a massive coffee hangover, sat at his desk with a major headache. A neatly written report waited there patiently for him to read, and stared at it wondering if he really wanted to look at it. Picking it up, he noted it was very unusual statement of what had happened in the village yesterday. There were innumerous accounts of trauma, i.e. two young boys, _Kankurou?_ (an eyebrow raiser to be sure), a shop keeper, then a young girl with a broken foot, a young man who couldn't be identified until the return of the DNA tests because they couldn't recognize him he had been so brutally attacked, and a few annoyed people who lived in the same apartments as his brother, sister, and he. Even a damage report, due to strong wind. Too tired to deal with it now, Gaara took a swig of his coffee and smiled. "I love this stuff," he murmured.

**A/N**: Wasn't that completely awful? I'm not so good at the humor parodies truthfully…

Also, this is not to endorse either _Maxwell_ or _Folgers_ brand coffee. They are just two random brands that I obtained from my mom since I don't drink coffee. Please R&R and have a nice day!


End file.
